LotsOfJokes |  HotSites |  ComputerTips |  BestOnTheNet |  Freebies |  AVoiceWithin |  TheProblemSolver |  OurFriends |  AboutUs |  ViewersFeedback SignOurGuestbook |  ViewOurGuestbook |  OurAwards JoinTheLaughIn |  JoinNotifyMe |  JoinTheBirthdayClub
1997-2001 TheLaughIn.com Productions™  All Rights Reserved

Hi there.  I am glad you are here to give advice.   

My brothers and I are triplets.   We are almost 30, and I really want to be close with them, but I am not.   I am a female, and they are identical twin males.   They are very close, but we are not, and they don't seem to care.   

I moved away to another city for 4 years, and they never visited me, and barely called.   I can't think of anything I did, maybe it is my fault for moving away, maybe I brushed them off, and excluded them from my life, so they excluded me.   Or, maybe they had each other, and that's all they ever needed.   

Since my dad died, and I moved away and they had to pay the bills for my mother, they may be angry.   I asked them if they are mad about that, and they say no, but they really have no use for me.   They say family is important, and one of them is married to a woman with a fabulous family.   

Our family is small, so I feel left out without their approval.   What do you think?   Should I try to be more in their lives, or confront them and ask?   My fear is that they'll think I am crazy.   Thanks for considering this!

Multiple birth children usually, but not always, feel special kinships. After all, you are genetically closer to them than to anyone else on the planet.  You are in that sense closer to them than even their own children.

It sounds to me that they are paying you back for some past hurt, whether or not they are willing to admit it.

I think you should tell them that you love them, value them, and wish you could, the three of you, be part of a healthy and happy, cohesive family unit.  Tell them AGAIN that you apologize for any past mistakes, and if they would be specific in listing them, you would try your best for payback.

BUT CLING TO YOUR DIGNITY!!!!  If they do not respond to this by acting a bit more like family, walk away, and build your own family from among your many friends.

Your brothers may choose never to give you what you crave, and they will have power over you until you cease to want what they will not provide.

Problem Solver #250

I'd like some free advice....

So I have actually reverted to e-mailing someone for advice.  I suppose the good thing is that you are a neutral field.  Here goes.. 

I met somone when I was 18.( I'll call him A) and we were very much in love.  He left for the army and we wrote each other faithfully and saw each other when he was on leave.  I made a stupid mistake and cheated on him.  We broke up, but never forgot him. 

I did try to move on  in my life with school and  I eventually found someone else. ( I'll call him S) I was almost graduating from school, had  found someone and was in love again. I received a letter from A telling me he had been engaged and he had broken it off because he was still in love with me.  (He tracked me down through a mutual friend)  I was confused, but truthful to my boyfriend S. I showed the corresponsdence that transpired between me and A.  S stuck by me and  we continued to be a couple.  I graduated school and moved back home.  My love also followed me and and moved closer to me so we could be together.  I continued to write A  as well.  S asked me to marry him and I accepted.  A. called me and we spoke for the first time.  I told him I was getting married.  He asked me to invite him to the wedding, I did not respond but ended the call.  I did not want to invite him, I did not know if I would be able to go through with the wedding.  I never forgot him  or saw him again.   

It has now been 20 years, and I see him listed in a phone book in another city with a Mrs. I am very curious and would just love to accidently see him and tell him I was truly sorry for not inviting him.  I think this would have helped put some closure on this. Advice?? It is has now been 20 years.  What should I do???? By the way still with S.

Thanks for writing.

I believe in open lines of communication, and in interesting experience which make life flavorful.

Since it has been so long, it might be instructive for you, S, A, and Mrs. A to get together and see how time has altered life for everyone.

You might feel a strange pull toward A, and he toward you, since there is some unfinished business there, and surely neither of you is comfortable with how things were left.

As for not inviting him to the wedding, that was then and this is now. You were probably right then; it would have been risky and possibly manipulative.

Perhaps the four of you should meet on neutral ground, like a restaurant. Be careful about agreeing to meet A by yourself.  He might still want to even the score for the betrayal years ago, and you might be too curious about what you missed.

Be open, be friendly, compare notes, but be careful.  And, if you can, include S at every step of the process

Problem Solver # 249

OK i got tickets to the Neil Diamond concert in New York City at Madison Square garden on Oct 12.2001 this past friday,,,, now we paid 172.00 for these tickets. 

I sat in my seat with my husband,,, screaming, USA, USA, USA USA trying to get my section going,, well anyway ,, the man in front of me says, "Why don't you shut the fuck up!!!!! " 

"I'm like what?"

"Yeah I'm with the army and i can have you thrown out ,, ."

I said, "Llike if you can do that go ahead,, they won't throw me out of here for saying USA are you kidding me ,, 

Well all i know is this is before the first song came on ,, next thing i know I'm being escorted out of the place by 3 security guards like I'm a terorist. God i was never more embarrassed in my life,,, 40 year old woman crying in the garden, fipping out trying to get back in concert,, man was like ur out of here ,,,so i said who the hell was that man and why are u throwing me out ,, he goes u were disrupting the whole place. i said,,, oh really the whole place ,, how do u disrupt a place  a concert of all things,, also tole me tons of people were complaining here, and i said no they werent only one man was, so now here i am going to see my favorite person in the world, Neil Diamond and im in nyc with my husband crying my brains out ,, thrown out of a concert for no reason, just for saying the words USA USA USA...now im out 172.00 didnt see one song being sung either,, so what do i do ,,, please help me ,, i was treated like a dog and no one cared,, NO ONE.

ok now not for nothing ,, but my husband took off the day from work, i spent 200.00 dollars in nyc going to eat and stuff, for what all for nothing ,, im so mad  i can spit nails,,, wow what can i do about this travesty....


I enjoy Neil Diamond very much, and can understand how frustrated you must feel.

I suspect that the man told you to shut up because he, perhaps like many others attending the concert, wanted an emotional break from all of the anguish and trauma we are experiencing because of September 11, and didn't want to be reminded about the outside world.

You were tossed out because in these times, security people will waste very little time, and will stop any disturbance by any means necessary, as quickly as possible.

You have two courses of action:  1) Write to the management of the arena, telling them what happened, and asking either for your money back or equivalent tickets to some future event.  You could have a lawyer do it, but I think you will have better luck doing it yourself, since you don't really have any legal grounds on which to base a claim. You may have good luck with being sweet and submissive.

2) Write to Neil Diamond himself.  He will be flattered, and may be inclined to make the sad experience up to you in some way.  You might call ASCAP in New York, and try to find out his agent, or some other way to write him.

I am sorry for what you went through. I know how I would feel if I had to miss seeing him under those circumstances.

Problem Solver # 248

I met this WONDERFUL man a little over a month ago. He is a beautiful, caring person that any woman would want. He has really fallen for me and I really like him a lot and could easily fall for him if I allowed myself, but I've been holding back. Mainly because he's married. 

His relationship started going sour a couple years ago. He asked his wife to seek therapy with him, but she refuses, so he's been seeing a therapist twice a week. He's opened up to me somewhat about things, telling me that because of the marriage vows he took, he believes in holding onto the marriage as long as he possibly can. He also told me that he's not happy with his life right now for many reasons. He admitted that he's going through a state of depression and fears it's getting worse. He really cares for me and says that I'm good for his soul and wants to be with me, to have fun with me. He's not asking for anything in return - only to have fun. He also said that, in the past, when he would meet other women during these past couple years, his wife didn't care because she could sense there wasn't
anything special between him and these women. But when he met me, she sensed something different about him and is now becoming concerned and is being more attentive to him - wanting to know his whereabouts, etc.

I really do care for him and don't want to walk away from such a wonderful man, but I don't know if I have the strength to get involved with him either. He said that his marriage will end. He said he's not separated yet, it won't be soon and it won't be an easy process. He has so many wonderful qualities but I don't know if I can "just have fun". I'm 35 - I'm not getting any younger, and I've been fighting this these past few days. He told me that if I don't want to continue being with him, I need to be honest with him - he wants me to be happy.

I'm so torn - when I'm with him, I feel it's wrong, but when I'm not with him, I think about him all the time and miss him. What thoughts do you have?


Based on the many situations like this with which I am familiar, I would strongly suggest that you inform him that you will gladly have fun with him after he has moved out from his living arrangement with his wife, and has taken his own apartment.

If he has excuses for staying, be very, very careful.

There are exceptions, of course, but generally the man doesn't leave the wife if he can have the home and stability with her, along with the fun and frolics of someone new.

If you want to have sex with him, share events with him, and enjoy the feelings of an intense romance, fine. But if you want to evaluate him as a lifemate, have him get out of the house first.

Problem Solver # 247

I am in a situation where I want to get my own apartment, but only started working again last week and it's through a temp agency and nothing permanent yet. 

I'm currently married, but want to leave my husband. The problem is we moved to a new place because of his job and I had to give up the one I had and start over. 

With his new job he's hardly ever home and I think we just grew apart. I do like it where we live now and don't really want to move back to where we were before. Since he knows that I want to leave him, things at home are just getting worse each day and I just need to get out soon. 

Would I be able at this time to even get an apartment because of my job situation. I haven't filed for divorce yet, I wanted to wait until I move out to do that. Could I file for Alimony or some type of support from him if I am the one that wants the divorce? In the past every time we argued he would tell me that he wants to get a divorce and he can't wait for the day to be single again. I guess when you constantly hear something like this you want it yourself. 

This is all very new to me and scary, because I have never been through anything like it, but our lease runs out on December 15th and I have to figure out something before that. 

I don't have any family over here either that I could go to and I would never consider going to a shelter or something like that. Do you have any advice on what I could do or need to do? It's hard to even know where to start.
Thank You!


If you have no family to lend you money for the short term, and you don't want to go to a shelter, you are certainly setting some high hurdles for yourself.

You are entitled to half of the assets you and your husband share in community property, but may not be able to get alimony, depending on the state you live in and the fierceness of any attorneys involved.

I suggest you start work immediately, live as separately as possible under the same roof with your husband, and save as much money as you can as quickly as you can.

Economic freedom lifts a lot of burdens. Build up a separate bank account that he doesn't have knowledge of. It's not that you want to stiff him on the money, but you don't want him taking it as a way to shackle you to the house.

Even if you don't want to go to a shelter, I suggest you call one, and talk to a staff member who will know more about the specifics of your area.

I generally suggest, too, that people try counseling, to see if anything can be saved. 

But if it can't, save money, and get out of there fast.

Problem Solver #246

My fiance and I recently broke up after a very crazy relationship.  

I made a very huge mistake with another man.  I was confused about marriage and this other man was very charming and took advantage of my vulnerabilty.  I didn't want it to happen but it did and I have learned from it.  

My ex doesn't believe that I have because he listen to friends who don't know me at all.  They tell him that I will just do it again.  He doesn't trust that I want to be with him and make it work.  He has recently met someone else.  My friends and family tell me he is confused and just doing this to hurt me.  One minute he says he doesn't love me, the next he says he does.  

He has given up all faith in God and in us.  Should I give him some time to heal or should I forget about him?  I've been told that he needs time and he will come around.  We have been through so much together, good and bad, he is very angry with me.  I am still very much in love him and want the chance to be forgiven and start over.   
                                                     
                             Lost and confused in love....


This is a frequent and tough situation.

Forgiveness is easier than forgetfulness. He won't forget what happened for a long, long time, and trust takes a long time to rebuild, as well.

Since he has found someone else, which is certainly going to bring pain and confusion to you, whether they are lovers or not, I think you should for your sanity and your dignity say something like this:

"I regret more than I can say the colossal error I made, and I will devote as much time as it takes to prove to you that I am honest, faithful, loving, and trustworthy.  But in all fairness to me, you have to decide if you are willing to give me that second chance, because, if you're not, I have to get on with my life, before there is nothing in me worth saving."

Since it was a crazy (your word) relationship, you might be better off without him. I can't possibly tell, but I think that he must not be allowed to feel that he can do what he wants with whomever he wants before he gives you that second chance. You deserve better treatment than that.

Problem Solver # 245

What is the best way to begin to get over someone you are still very much in love with?

He gave no specific reason, but he wants to be no more than friends.

Is it possible to be just friends?  

We are both in our late thirties, married before, and for a long time there was serious talk of marriage.  Even though the feelings aren't anger, but are hurt and loss and fear of starting again and insecurity about oneself, will it be more unhealthy and difficult to deal with this while attempting to remain in contact as friends, holding on to the hope of getting back together again rather than doing it someway else?  

It hurts, there are no bad things to look back upon and say these were the causes, it's just that the other person wants out.  Thank you

There is no quick and sure magic way to get over the grief of a troubling relationship.

Time works, but, logically, it takes time.  

Staying busy with other activities and other people can help.

Rebounding is dangerous as a quick fix.  You're better off suffering alone than making that kind of mistake.

You ask about continued contact. If you can often talk to the person you love who has decided to end the relationship but just stay friends, you can occasionally get some relief. For many people, though, that sort of friendship is even more painful than solitude. It's up to you.

I suggest you try staying in touch, clinging to slim hope if it seems to help. He may decide you're too valuable to lose. But he may not, so don't fritter away too much time in neutral.

Don't let the end of a relationship erode your sense of who you are.  You are worthwhile, and worth loving.  You have much to give the world, through your deeds, and to a partner, through your love.

Hang in there, and don't give up.  You're old enough to know that love will renew itself. Don't be frustrated because you sometimes feel as helpless and doomed as you did when a teen.  It will get better.

Problem Solver # 244

The two of us have been seeing each other for a year and a half, and are not engaged as such, but do talk about marriage and feel it's somewhere in the future like a year away. 

There are six children involved from one previous marriage each, ages eight to twenty-one. 

We recently went to this new development and saw a house we both loved, picked out one of the lots, and have a week to decide before we'd have to go to contract. The kids have seen it, and loved it, and obviously have asked alot of questions, to which we answer that, no, we're not getting married, we talk about it, we're trying to see if that's what we want. 

The house wouldn't be done until may of next year and the best time if we're talking about moving with school grade transitions involved would be next summer. With things still not firmed up as far as the future, is this a crazy thing to do? Financially there are no problems and it should be a wash if things didn't work out as far as leading to marriage and having to sell it. 

So......... not ready to commit yet.......... is this a bad move to make? Is it the wrong order? Could it help or hurt the relationship as it now is? Thank you for any insights you may have.


It's 2001. A piece of paper means nothing.

Be open and honest with the kids, reminding all concerned that ultimately THEY come first. Don't be secretive.

You don't mention in whose name the house would be listed. I would suggest you NOT own it in joint tenancy, so that your children's interests would be protected in case of tragedy. Own it instead as tenants in common, if that is possible.

It's not odd to postpone marriage. The psychology is tricky, and often different from person to person.

Love each other, love your kids, and let everyone be open with everyone else.

And don't let petty resentments or fears slow down the beautiful future the eight of you may build.

Problem Solver # 243

Hello.

I just recently started dating this guy about a month ago and he just can't get his own sister out of his head!!! 

He talks about her constantly, saying that she "might" like me when I meet her, she's sooo pretty and etc. She lives in NJ and were both in Florida. She's supposed to be coming down to visit him and I'm wondering what's going to happen. 

I made sure I wasn't the only one to notice his obsession with his sister, two other of my close friends have realized this also. It's gotten so bad that he spent 2 hours deciding where exactly to hang this picture of her. He picked right on the side of the bed!!! So now when I sleep over there I get to wake up to his sister every morning just smiling at me!!! He even talks about her on his AOL profile saying that he loves her!! To top that off I'm not even mentioned and it's on MY computer!!!!! 

I'm worried that he's doing something with her. He's 20 and I'm 19 I think his sister is 17. Well is this normal???? 

There are many possibilities here.

First, it may be a family where she is loved, valued, and treasured by everyone else in the family. Maybe they are very proud of her, or have special hopes for her.

Second, if she is that pretty, his feelings for her may be a way to prove his own worth.

Third, he may have some sort of incestual feelings for her. This is not really unusual, unless he acts out on them, or unless his feelings for her prevent a proper relationship with you.

I suggest you meet her, and ask HER if she knows how much her brother loves her, and how she feels about it. You might also simply ask him, since you are close to him, how he would characterize his relationship with her, and if there are incestual components to it.

Problem Solver #242

I've written you before but now it's changed a little. 

I ignored wife for so long that she got close to another man. I got her to stop seeing him and no affair happened. 

The feeling for him has stopped but now she says she has lost a good friend of two years. 

Since then she says the feelings for me have changed and she is unsure if she wants to be in this relationship.

We have 3 girls 11, 7 & a fifteen month old. My wife is more beautiful now than the day I married her. The problem is I can't get her to stay home with her family. 

On Friday nights she gets off at 5:00 but she will stay out till 2:30 in the a.m. with her friends from work. Saturday night is our night and we will stay out till 2:30. Sometimes in the middle of the week she will stay out late also but I'm not invited. 

She keep telling me to give her some space and to quit smothering her and maybe the feelings for me will come back. But I tell her if your out there long enough you're going to find someone. Then where does that leave us and the girls. She's 32 years but looks 22 years old and gets carded at every bar she goes. I myself don't want to go to bars but it's the only night we go out together. 

She keeps talking divorce if don't give her some space and let her sort through her feeling. Times are so hard for me right now. She doesn't wear her rings and tells me she doesn't want to be a hypocrite with the way thing are now between us. She keeps her cell phone locked. Her friends tell her she got married to early and that this is something or some kind of phase she's going through. I tell her it's a little late for this you're married and have 3 girls to think about. But she is so determined to do this and I'm so afraid if I try too hard I'll lose her.

My dear friend,

I hate to say this, but I think you have already lost her. She wants to have her  freedom, and still have someone who will help her with the kids. 

How are the physical relations between you? Good? Bad? Non-existent?

If she stays out late several times a week, and wears no rings, and keeps threatening divorce if you don't give her space, then your marriage is in serious, serious trouble.

Consider building your own life and interests, putting the kids first, of course.

Tell her that you feel you must wear a condom when you have sex with her, since you don't trust her.

Protect yourself at all times.

Sorry to write so bluntly. I don't think she wants to be married to you.

Get some therapy. Try marriage counseling if she will go, but go alone if she won't.

Good luck.

Problem Solver # 241

I am about to go on my first serious job interview in two years, after recovering from an illness. I am scared to death that I will fumble it. Worse, I think if I get the job, I won't be able to handle it, since it's a receptionist position, and I'm shy. Any hints?

I have always felt that honestly admitting fear is the principal key to letting it go. Trying to repress it will only give fear more control over you.

Consider the worst that can happen: 

A) You don't get the job. Well, many people don't get a job with the first in a set of interviews. The experience will give you more backbone for subsequent tries. 

B) You get the job. Being shy is not a bar to dealing with people. Friendly eye contact from you will be good for you, and good for them. Remember that most people are eager to be open, and are polite. Those who aren't have attitude problems, or perhaps are extremely fragile and shy themselves. You can learn from both, and build your own confidence.

Remember, whether with interviews or First Days, the water isn't that cold OR that deep, and with every passing interview or day, your confidence will increase, and the fear go away.

Learn to be content with the person you are. Such contentment brings with it its own strength. You're as good as anyone else out there.

Problem Solver # 240

I had to have surgery a few years ago, and they took my blood to test it for any infection before I had surgery. When they run blood tests for infection (cause I know if you are sick they can't operate)  does it also test for HIV?   

Yes, any sane medical staff would test for HIV in a pre-surgery blood screen.

Depending on the state you live in, the hospital might have to inform you that your blood is being tested for HIV. The results are supposed to be confidential, whether you have to give consent before the test, or not.

I would be interested in any other readers' experiences with this.

Thanks.

Problem Solver # 239

I went out of the country this summer and when I left my best friend slept with my boyfriend, and told another of our friends about it. 

THEN my best friend joined me on my vacation. We had a great time, and she acted like nothing ever happened. (Keep in mind I didn't know yet) 

When I got home I discovered everything that happened with my boyfriend and my best friend. 

I'm furious and I don't know how to handle the situation or what I should say. What should I do or say to them? 

Betrayal is a very tough issue, because trust takes a long, long time to rebuild, and you were betrayed by TWO people at once.

First, it depends on whether your boyfriend and you had some promise or arrangement of fidelity. Assuming you did, and his love is worth something to you, and he is sad and guilty, try to remember that men are weak, and often think with their penises instead of their brains. He slipped, and he could easily slip again if some attractive woman offers him sex. Most men are like that.

Second, your girlfriend is a snake, who got off on scoring with someone close to you. She loved having her little secret while on your vacation. You are right to be angry with her, to never trust her again, and to dump her out of your life.

If you love your boyfriend, let him show some serious repentance, and let him realize he almost lost you. If you aren't that serious about him, dump him, and find some new friends.

Problem Solver # 238

I have a daughter who is constantly in financial trouble. She blows her money on wants and not on items she needs, and she's in debt so far I cannot even imagine the amount.

Recently her car died on her, so she asked if she could buy one that I am trying to sell. I've been trying to work out a deal with her since she really needs the car for her new job. I told her that she must come by and give me the car payment ever other week when she gets her paycheck. She has come up with continual excuses why she cannot pay her payments---Her rent is due, or she has to pay a friend back that she owes money too. 

I basically feel she is taken advantage of me in this way. She is a single parent of a 2 year old daughter. Her husband died about a year and a half ago. I don't want her to lose this new job, yet I feel she shouldn't be getting away with not paying me for the car. 

Do you have any suggestions of how to handle this situation? She is 34 years old, and this is not the first time she has taken advantage of us. I feel it's enabling her, yet if she loses the job it won't be good, and I worry about the granddaughter's welfare. 

Thanks for any suggestions.


It appears to me that your daughter has had some bad breaks (being a widow with a baby is never easy), and that she has not yet really learned responsibility.

I would tell her that you are assisting her this one, last time, but that after that all of your efforts will go ONLY to helping your granddaughter. 

GIVE her the car. Forget about her making payments, but make it VERY clear that this is the end of your assistance to her. You have your own necessities in life, and have to take care of yourself.

Do what you can to aid her in the matter of her daughter. Food, clothes, medicine, baby-sitting---you can help your granddaughter without enabling your daughter, if you are very careful.

At thirty-four, it is time she learned the lessons she has manipulated you into not teaching her so far.

Be firm.

Good luck.

Problem Solver # 237

Hi.
My boyfriend ALWAYS seems like he is starting fights with me. And he is always accusing me of cheating when I'm really not. He also threatens to beat up any guy he thinks I like or likes me. He doesn't listen to what I have to say and he doesn't understand that I want this relationship to work. I want us to do more then fighting. Please help me! Thank you.. 

You don't mention your age, or your boyfriend's age, but he appears to me to be immature, insecure, and controlling.

You need to ask him, and yourself, "Why are we spending so much time fighting instead of having a good time?"

You need to ask him, "Why don't you believe me?"

He needs to understand that because you are young and attractive, LOTS of guys are going to like you, but that YOU have chosen HIM because of who he is.

You want the relationship to work but you have to ask yourself if another relationship might not be richer and better for you.

If he continues to pick fights, threaten to pound on anyone who wants you, and generally be a jerk, you need to move on, and find someone else. 

Problem Solver # 236

I am 9 weeks pregnant. 

I live with the father of the baby, but ever since he found out I was pregnant, he has been spending a lot more time at work and doesn't seem to have time for me. 

I am having some complications, and I'm not allowed to work. I'm home alone all of the time and I'm getting very depressed. 

My partner was happy to make the baby, but it seems like he's not happy now. I've tried talking to him, but he's "tired," so what do I do now?

There is time still to terminate the pregnancy, but the danger increases with additional delay. This is a careful, morally-heavy step, but it IS your right, should you so choose.

If you opt to keep the baby, you may still consider giving him or her up for adoption.

You are young enough to begin a new life, and you DESERVE happiness. Motherhood will change many aspects of your world, and it may be no favor to the baby if you raise him or her in resentment, or with a sense that you yourself are not complete.

The father sounds to me to be not quite mature enough for fatherhood, with its challenges, responsibilities, and alterations to a me-first life.

Get help for your depression. Talk to a counselor immediately. You have too much heavy stress and pressure to be able to get through this without the helpful, compassionate caring of others.

Write more if you wish, and best of luck, my young friend.

Problem Solver # 235

I would like to know where I can find information on what is required for a legal North Carolina Will? 

There are all sorts of self-help will books for sale, or at the library, or even online.

I suggest to people that the small amount of money spent with a lawyer to guarantee that it's done right is an expense that pays for itself. Even with small estates, there are all kinds of minefields and pitfalls.

On the bright side, most states will accept a legally-drawn will from any other state. And SOME states will accept a hand-written document, if it is signed, even if it is not witnessed. A sheet of paper with "I leave my entire estate to John Doe," if it is handwritten and signed, MIGHT be good enough, although such a document would be open to challenge by someone related to you.

The simplest and most fool-proof way to go down this road is to spend some money on a lawyer, and have it done right. The lawyer can also advise you if you are better served by a trust document, instead of a will.

Problem Solver # 234

I'm torn with a problem I can't solve. 

My son who is 51 yrs old was in prison for 5 yrs. While there I felt he did the crime, he paid the time. While there we wrote to each other but I did not send him things or money very often. I felt he had to learn a lesson. 

He got out last Sept. I picked him up & he came to live with Me. I bought him a car. I gave him money the only thing I ask was that he let me know when he was going to be gone. 

He was on parole for a year then when he was off parole every thing went wrong. He is in College trying to better himself. But in the mean time he took off for 3 days & didn't let me know where he was. I was really upset. I could not sleep worrying about him. When he came back I told him to pack & leave. I had told him He had a life to lead out side of here. He met a gal in the Mobile park where we live. Which is fine I don't care. But felt he should have shown some respect for my feelings. I have not heard from him for a week. He is just across the street. That's OK too. But what do I do when he comes back & asks to move back. He is selling the car I bought him. The Girlfriend just got $30,000 in a divorce settlement. When that is gone I know where He will want to be. All am asking is to ease my mind. Did I do the right thing? I worry every day.

Thank You for being my sounding board. Just help me ease the pain. I'm a widow 68 with 4 kids. All grown. I have a daughter who has depression that lives in the park also. It was neat when I was here by myself. But now I wonder what the neighbors think. 

My Husband & I bought here 19 yrs ago. He died 7 yrs ago. 

Some times I wonder if life is worth living.


Life is ALWAYS worth living, despite the harsh troubles which make us feel despairing.

Your son is not your responsibility, and you should not care what the neighbors think.

You should make it clear to him now that you are under stress and trouble, and that you love him, but that he cannot move back with you in the future.  You will always feel that you are somehow responsible for how he turned out, but that's irrational.

He may use guilt or manipulation to convince you otherwise, but stick to your principles.

He made his own choices as an adult.

Your daughter who is depressed is getting medication, I hope.  Depression is serious, and today we have many good drugs to fight it.  With all the pressure on you, you might think about seeing a doctor to make certain you are not depressed, and if you are, to get medication for it.

Problem Solver # 233

A distraught mother writes:

My husband, my son, and I all just moved in with my mother, at her house.

Prior to our moving in, our son would visit almost every weekend and play with the neighborhood boys. There is a pair of brothers he practically grew up with by now (he's nine), and then other, older boys who dot the neighborhood. 

Since we've come to live here, the attitude toward my son has definitely changed. The older boys pick on him, and since they all hang around in a group the two brothers, there's no separating them from the boys he really likes to play with who also seem to like him. 

Yesterday many kids went to the movies, and my son was not invited. When they came home from their adventure, my son went over to try to play with them and he was harassed endlessly by one of the older boys there, to the point that his good friends (the brothers) chimed in to tell him that he couldn't run fast enough, that his scooter wasn't as good as theirs were, that he was a tattletale and a crybaby and on and on. I finally brought him in the house and told him to stay inside for a while.

One of the older boys is a summer baby-sitter for my son's friends, John and Joe. He's said the most outrageous things to my son when no one was around. He said that he was going to castrate my son with a spoon, for example. He told the other boys not to touch something my son had touched because contaminated. The other boys ape what this boy says endlessly because he's older; when my son does this, the boy hits him and tells him not to copy him. 

It's just awful, obviously. 

I really don't know what to do. I could keep him away from the older boys, but my son would necessarily be cut off from the only friends he's got. I could talk to the parents, but I can't see that going well. I could talk to the boys themselves, but I can't see that going well either because it will most likely alienate the parents further than they've always been. 

Any ideas? 


Your situation is both a usual and an unusual one. Kids make life much tougher for each other than they should, and this, of course, ultimately makes life tougher for everyone around them.

One suggestion is to have a party, inviting all the kids over, with perhaps a parent or two to help out with the supervision. The kids can play games or watch videos, or whatever seems appropriate for the group. Maybe when this is happening you can try a little one-on-one with the obnoxious kids, telling them your son likes them, but that their meanness is hurtful, and you KNOW they are not that way intentionally...

Perhaps also during this event you can talk to the parents a bit, and ask them how they feel about the hostility your son is experiencing.

The cruelty of children is both awful and legendary. Many great writers and comedians have grown out of circumstances in which they were cut off from their peers in much the way you fear your son might. Along that line, the easiest thing to suggest is that he keep to himself until he can find some friends who are more mature, but keeping himself out of the group he wants to share with may cause more harm than good.

I would suggest at a minimum managing to remind him all the time how special he is, and that these older kids will someday be embarrassed to look back and see what jerks they were. But that won't help now.

AND TODAY THE MOTHER WROTE BACK TO ME:

I thought I would give you an update on my problem; maybe it will help some other person in this particular circumstance, as older children do move back home for a variety of reasons. 

My mother came to the rescue. She called the parents of the two boys my son played with and casually asked them out for something yearly and unique: The State Fair, to which they could bring their children. They accepted, and immediately after my mother followed up with a renewed, open invitation to baby-sit for them from both herself and me. 

This relaxed the situation quite a bit. The next day my son went over to their house to play without any uncomfortable incidents. Several hours later, my mother wandered over to their backyard with some watermelon, and got the older boy that had been teasing my son alone. This is what she said to him: 

"You know, our family has known your family for a long time. We've given you clothes and toys, and my son just gave you an entire set of golf clubs (his old set). I consider your mother a friend, so I don't understand why you'd want to treat him so badly. 

"I also know that when you were younger, you were teased so badly at your school that you finally couldn't go there anymore and you had to change schools, so you obviously know how bad it feels to be excluded and teased. If your mother knew how you'd been treating him I think she'd be very disappointed, considering she's the one who pulled you out of school two years ago. But I'm not going to tell her about it at the moment, I'm just going to trust that this kind of thing isn't going to happen again. If it does, she might hear about your saying things like "castrate you with a spoon" to little children, and I'd be surprised if she'd let you baby-sit for little kids after that. " 

So the kid kinda nodded, murmured an "okay" and started to slink off. Then my mother said: 

"The only reason kids call other kids a tattletale is because they're doing something wrong. If they weren't doing anything wrong, there wouldn't be a tale to tell. If you call my grandson a tattletale, all you're trying to do is control his behavior so that no one finds out that you're doing something wrong. Just don't do it, and then you won't have to worry, will you? " 

:). I think it worked. Score one for grandma. 


To which I add: Congratulations, and thanks for sharing.

Problem Solver # 232

My boyfriend and I are having problems with sexual compatibility and I'm unsure of what to do. We were both married previously, so we have had our share of sexual experiences prior to becoming sexually involved with each other 1 1/2 years ago.

During the first year we dated, my boyfriend wouldn't talk about sex, such as what he liked, didn't like, how something felt, etc. It would embarrass him. That has gotten a little better. He has still never asked me however what I like, and when I try to bring things up I can tell he gets really shy and doesn't feel comfortable discussing it. 

When I try to show him, he may do things once or twice, but that's about it. I have been dealing with that figuring things will get better with time as he becomes more comfortable with me. He won't even shop for condoms because that embarrasses him too, so if they are purchased, I go to the drug store and get them. 

The bigger problem that I've been having over the last two months however, is that he no longer likes to be touched in a certain area unless we are in bed and he initiates sex. If we are making out and I touch him, he will pull away, tell me to not touch him, or try to cover himself up. He will get embarrassed if he gets an erection. I have explained to him that it is a turn-on for me when he gets aroused, that it's normal and that it's nothing to be ashamed of, but he still does these things. I have been feeling frustrated, embarrassed and a little rejected -- like what is wrong with me, and why doesn't he like this. He was this way in the beginning of our relationship, then things improved for a while and now the problem is back consistently.

When I asked him if he would prefer if I let him make the moves exclusively and didn't touch him unless we were in bed, he didn't have an answer if that would do the trick, and said he needed to think about it. I don't know if realistically I would be OK with that. Him being the only person to make the moves, everything being routine and done in bed the same way at the same time.

Aside from that, a lot of making out has stopped, aside from when I first come over to his apartment or when we are in bed and he wants the usual "before sleep sex." We used to make-out for hours, and now we are spending our time in front of the TV and not concentrating on each other. I have brought this up numerous times, but nothing ever changes.

What would your recommendation be for me to do at this point? I used to be sexually confident and now I'm just losing it.

I am starting to wonder if he is somehow gay.

This man wants to marry me someday, and I'm scared that if we can't work out this incompatibility that there would be problems down the road

Thank you in advance,

I wouldn't worry too much about his being gay...but he clearly has a bit of a Puritan's response to sex. Embarrassment over being touched when you've been having sex regularly is a bit odd.

This may sound crude and/or simplistic, but perhaps the two of you can spend lots of hours watching porno movies. Perhaps when you are making love you can be submissive, and tell him you would like it a little rough. 

He needs to unlock what is holding him back, and he might need therapy to do it.

Some men, though they like sex, are afraid of either aggression because it is somehow threatening, or intimacy, because they feel vulnerable. 

You need to talk this over with him, and you need to be made love to the way you like. If he doesn't listen, you will start to resent and compromise, and those two can doom a relationship.

Remember, IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT! It's his prudery that's an issue here, and he needs to open up and lose control.

Try talking to him more openly and perhaps explicitly in bed. Be verbal when you make love. And try to overwhelm with porno.

If the porno is a problem, start more subtly, by talking to him during sex. Tell him how much you like what he does, and how fierce a lover he is. Tell him what YOU like, and maybe you can wear down his shyness.

Tell him in the morning how fine it was, and how it makes you love him more and want him more.

Too bad he is such a prude, because he is missing much of what you can bring to him.

Good luck.

Problem Solver # 231

AN EXCHANGE:

I've been seeing a woman for a little over one year - both divorced - 40's - she has three children at home 8, 10, 13 - me one at home 16, one away at school 21.  

Things seem good usually, but I'd like to see her more -- she says she's been in two other previous relationships during her separation/divorce, one of which lasted over a year, and both of those times she involved the guys more with her children and her family, but with me, she's been very careful to say to her children that we're just friends. 

She says I should date others if I want... but qualifies it with she wouldn't want to know about it and it would really bother her........ she says she's not seeing anyone else but me.  We've talked about marriage in another year, but right now she wants things this way, and says she feels that if things don't work out she's afraid that I'll make things uncomfortable for her. 

One of the previous two guys did essentially stalk her for a short time after their relationship ended.

Am I in a no win situation, or, should i give it this next year to see what happens?   

Be patient. A woman who has been burned as she has (and STALKED) has a right to be a little shy and cautious.

If you love her, be there for her.  Tell her that you are patient, that you won't date anyone else, as long as she doesn't either, and that you will wait because you know she is very unsure.

She should make progress, though. If a year goes by without any more involvement, you might want to reconsider. But for now, be patient and don't push.

BUT THEN HE WROTE AGAIN:

Thanks for your reply.   Yesterday we were together for a little bit and she was totally anxious.  She said after our trip with the kids, which went well, she now feels she has to progress further, but says she can't be in any committed relationship now, and went into the dating thing again.... what eventually came of that is that she said if the opportunity comes up to date someone she'll take it..... and doesn't feel she has to say anything to me unless it gets to a point where she wanted to see someone regularly, in which case she would tell me.  There was an agreement to no intimacy with anyone else.  I told her that for me I didn't feel I could date someone else now because of how I felt about her and I didn't think I could be comfortable with it.......... and although I agreed to her dating, as I really didn't have a choice, I told her I would be extremely uncomfortable if I knew she was dating.......... to which she said, that's just where she has to be right now.........   any further help - or just try and be patient?

So her story has changed...from saying she isn't interested in dating, to saying that she will, not mentioning it to you unless it turns into a serious relationship, but without intimacy.

Well, this new information changes my vote:  Start dating other women, and try to invest less emotionally with this woman, whose difficulties, while understandable, are considerable.

I think if she dates other men she will be intimate with some of them. Prepare yourself, and practice safe sex.

If you love her, she may be worth the effort and patience.  But if she doesn't appreciate you for who you are, or what you bring to her life, protect yourself.

Problem Solver # 230

I have a "friend" who I've gotten to know rather well online. 

I have another friend (before the net) who feels it is her duty to talk to him. She's not happy unless she's in the middle of our conversation also. Personally, I never talk to any of her "friends" online. 

I don't understand why she has to seek mine out and email them and lie about it to me. This has happened twice to me and I'm afraid it'll just continue.


We do get into some interesting etiquette questions online, don't we? Too bad Emily Post is dead!!

Your friend is insecure, pushy, nosey, or all at once. 

The only sane alternative is to get a new screen name, and don't share it with her.

That way, she won't horn in on your new friendships, whatever her motivation. And you and your new friend can chat under your old name from time to time, just to keep your older friend happy.

I can't think of a kind and effective way to ask your friend to back off without causing some offended feelings that might jeopardize the relationship, and you probably don't want to risk that.

Problem Solver # 229

Another tree question...

Hello, this is a great site!  

Well, here's the problem.

My neighbor who lives behind me has a HUGE tree in the corner.  It's a silk tree and very, very messy.  It drops pollen filled pods with seeds which make me sick (allergies) and also starts new seedlings of the silk tree all over my backyard.  I am forever picking the new starts so that they don't start new trees all over my flower beds.  Anyway, my neighbor said that I can cut it - but at the fence line only, and no further back. I understand that, but the roots of the tree are coming under the fence and causing all of my newly poured exposed aggregate to crack.  The surface roots from the tree are also coming under the fence and raising my lawn.  I have explained to them that I am going to have to get in there and have the roots cut out.  They are complaining that by doing that could hurt the tree.  My friend who owns a nursery says: No way, that tree can't be hurt - not from cutting the roots out of my yard.  Anyway, isn't that considered 'trespassing' when their tree comes over to my side?  

The fact that they have neglected the tree and have never watered it properly has forced the roots to surface while looking for water.  My yard is lifting!  Is there anything I can do legally so that they have to cut the  tree back?  They argue that I knew that the tree was there when we moved in 22 years ago.  Yes, true, but I had no idea that the  tree was going to be left to just grow any way it wants and with no maintenance to the tree at all.  I figured they would maintain their trees like I do.

Your neighbor is correct as far as the fence line is concerned; you are within the law to cut anything coming over on your side.

The roots are, pardon me for saying so, a deeper matter.  I suspect that if the tree is a protected one, as many in California are, you might not be allowed to cut the roots under your own property in a way that harms the tree.

Short of consulting a lawyer, which is always a good though costly idea, you should call several nurseries and tree-trimming companies, and ask what their opinions are on roots.  If a strong consensus indicates you are free to remove them and that the tree is not likely to be harmed, then hire one of the companies to do the work.

I suspect you won't be able to collect on your insurance for the poured concrete, but property ownership always has hidden headaches.

Thanks for your kind compliments about the site.  I try.

Problem Solver # 228

HI! 

I am very embarrassed to admit that I don't know how to drive. I wanted some personal advice. 

I just moved to a town in which I have to drive everywhere.

I don't know anyone. I live with my fiance. Who is very understanding but he does not know that I cant drive very well.

I find it to be very scary and nerve wracking. I don't even know where to begin? It is very IRRITATING and I, am, and would like to take out our daughter out of the house on my own. I feel like a baby and like I have to depend on him to take me places. I just had a C. Section with our daughter almost 3 months ago so that has been my excuse for not driving but I know in a month or two I cant keep saying that my wound still hurts. I'm very embarrassed, so Ive been buying time.... I don't know what is wrong with me? Everyone I know learned to drive when they were in highschool. The funny thing is, that I, am, smart I just CANNOT grasp driving! Even if I just! drove to the store! I'd be happy. I really want to learn but I never seem to have the confidence or the time. Or a baby sitter to take care of my daughter while Im learning... Not to mention the money it takes to learn as an adult. I also never admitted to my fiance that I don't drive! This makes me sad every day and I cry about it A LOT. 

I've tried to find people who can explain to me the ends and outs of driving. But every one I know makes me feel soo stupid. My mother never drove, and I wanted to drive and teach her too. I really want to learn! Im at the end of my rope lately. And bored. I have great dreams about going down the road. With my daughter in her car seat and we are at the zoo and the super market and I wake up so depressed cause I cant do those things right now. 

Thanks for your help.


You will feel very empowered and successful once you learn to drive, and see your skills and confidence improving.

Driving is easy, and you CAN learn in a few weeks.  Getting a driver's license is a matter of learning some rules and passing a test.  Anyone who types as well as you do, and has your vocabulary, can do it.

Call a driving school in your area, getting a number from the Yellow Pages.  Believe me, they've heard it all, and there are more people than you think who delay learning how to drive, for a variety of reasons. Science Fiction writer Ray Bradbury comes immediately to mind, but I know several people myself who don't drive.

There is nothing wrong with not knowing, so don't beat yourself up too badly.  You might be able to hide the truth by pretending to everyone that you feel jittery about driving, and need a refresher course.

You might just admit the truth, though. You will feel stupid when you do it, but you will be greatly relieved afterward.

It's not the big deal you make of it. Tell the truth and let it go.

As for having nerves about driving:  yes, there is risky stuff out there, but if you ease into it gradually, you will do better than fine as your confidence improves.

Good luck, and let me know how it's going.

Problem Solver # 227

Hi,

I have recently lost a child to a car accident; he was 19.  

The problem is that I gave him up from birth but all through his life I kept up with his life, i.e., schooling, growth, health, etc.  I was occasionally given pictures of him.  

My daughter who is 21 and less than 2 months ago moved up there to stay with him and his adoptive family. She has always kept in touch with him and would go spend summer vacations with him in Florida where he resided.  I received a call from her on Sunday, stating that he was killed in a car accident.  

Needless to say all the feeling of giving him up 19 years ago came back.  The guilt of giving him up, the what ifs, I was and still am totally devastated.  Even though I didn't raise him the maternal bond will be there forever and I have always loved him very much and always included him when people would ask how many children I have. 

My dilemma is that his adoptive parents do not want me at the funeral.   They have no idea that he had recently starting talking to me.

Should I be upset that they don't want me there?  I feel I gave them the most precious gift any person ever gave them and I feel they should respect me for that. 


I ache with you for your loss. No one can understand, however, the particular grief and bitterness you, having given him up but retaining a mother's connection, are enduring.

In the long term, you will need to attend a grief group, where you can hear the sad tales of others, tell your own, and share in each other's strengths and weeping.

In the short term, GO to the service, if you can, and hang inconspicuously in the back. Whatever the adoptive parents think of you for having given him up, you still are the birth mother.

Everyone needs true grief and an honest chance at closure here, both birth and adoptive parents, and siblings, alike.

But don't make a scene. Approach no one, unless approached first.

Again, I am sorry.

Problem Solver # 226

I moved in with my boyfriend 7 months ago. I have a 5 year old daughter and my boyfriend is very good with her which is a good thing...BUT: he loves porno, gross stuff! He doesn't ever request any of this stuff from me but I don't like it, i believe it demystifies and desensitizes women. His parents raised him this way, they are into it.

I thought boys would grow out of this around 12 or 14? or is it an addiction, I know I can't control his thoughts,,,what do I do? 

I know I can't control what is in his mind; on the other hand I can't help wondering about an adult man who is honest hardworking, caring, loving, admirable, and handsome, and cares about nothing but my daughter and me.

You may not like my suggestion, but I think you ought to ask him if he would like to try some of the stuff he sees online and in magazines with you.

When people love each other, what they do in bed or on the floor or in the shower or in the garage is all okay.  As long as he doesn't hurt you against your will, what people do when they play is harmless.

While he appears to you to be a good man, he may have some issues which are unresolved, and he may be confused.  Perhaps he needs to view the material to be capable of sustaining himself for your demands. I don't really know.

The question about porno demeaning women and desensitizing people is a tough one, and one that I can't delve into in a short space.  I think it must matter how people look at eroticism, bodily functions, and their own worth.

You said many fine things about him. Don't think less of him because he has erotic needs and visions.  Try to share with him what you can, and it may end up bringing both of you closer.

Take care, and good luck.

(Readers: Let me know if you think this will help, or if you disagree.)

Problem Solver # 225

Our family is in a crisis right now and I don't know where to go from here. My 14 year old nephew, (I'm his guardian) was supposed to graduate from 8th grade in June.

The day of the graduation, I got a phone call from my husband saying to pick my nephew up at school, that he had gotten suspended for selling marijuana at school, and that he would not be able to participate in the graduation ceremony. 

He has never had any dealings with drugs before. Needless to say we were and are devastated. He is grounded, phone privileges taken away. We have discussed what he did with him and he made a bad choice. 

My question is, how long do you think the restrictions on him should be? I know what he did was terribly wrong and that he has to face the consequences. 


This should not be your only question. He is only fourteen, hardly able to tell right from wrong, and he is super-susceptible to peer pressure. And I suspect that this is NOT his first involvement with drugs; it's just the first time he got caught.

He needs counseling more than punishment. Drugs are on the campuses in epidemic proportions, and marijuana is among the most harmless. It could be worse, and without decent intervention, it WILL get worse.

He needs to learn not to deal. He needs to realize that his choices after eighteen are his business, but his choices before are not.

With luck, this sad incident will lead him to better choices. He should understand that actions have consequences, and that troubles with the law are things which no one needs.

Life is simpler, easier, smoother, and more hassle-free if lived within the law.

Recreational drug use is a controversial topic, but TEENS who use are losers. He needs to understand that.

YOU need to see why he uses. Why does he need drugs? Is he in psychological crisis? Is his self-esteem poor? Is he bored? Does he feel unloved?

This is a very critical and important time for the entire family. Hysteria won't help.

At a minimum, he needs to stay grounded and restricted and not trusted until his drug counselor believes enough progress has been made to allow him a little taste of freedom.

But, and this is most important, he needs to ventilate and be heard. He needs to know that people love him, understand him, and believe in him.

Good luck.

Problem Solver # 224

Revised: February 16, 2002